Genuine Self Esteem: It’s Within Everyone’s Reach

I don’t know anyone who would say they are perfectly satisfied with their level of self esteem. This might be a reflection of my particular circle of friends and acquaintances. But I don’t think so.

Self esteem, or self unsteem as I call what I used to have, has become a hobby of mine. I like to learn how other people view themselves and compare it to the way they appear on the outside. I have talked to people with all types of personalities – quiet, boisterous, thoughtful, cheery, serious, outgoing, funny, etc.

My discovery is that everyone sees him or herself differently than the way they come across. Some are more accurate than others, but everyone has some degree of imprecision. People with learning disorders like me are notoriously inaccurate in their self perception. We tend to exaggerate the negative to the point of completely overlooking our strengths. Many people with different types of baggage are the same.

A friend shares this quote by William James, documenting that I wasn’t the first to notice that people often don’t know how they are perceived.

Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.

Realizing that individuals have all these different parts makes me wonder, “Which is the ‘real’ person?” If it’s just the one we think we are, then are we “faking” every time we do something that feels a little uncomfortable? That’s a lot of faking. And everyone does it. I think there’s more to this.

What I have come to believe is that we’re each a combination of all of the parts we and others think we are. Reaching this conclusion was life-changing for me. It was like opening a door on my own path to true confidence, and it helped me work through the layers of self unsteem.

I’ve been fortunate. My journey has been rich, leading me down avenues of thought about who we are as humans and how we relate to each other and to God. Along the way I have developed some new understandings about how everyone can have more confidence and self esteem. So if you’re not happy with your self image, or if you have a sense that it might be a bit off track, here are some ideas I would like to share.

1. Believe in Yourself

Start with the knowledge that everyone has issues. Yes, everyone. People are not what they appear to be, no matter if they’re hilarious, bossy, mousy, or mean. You have more in common with others than you think. Underneath the façade of the person who intimidates you is someone struggling with life, just like you, just trying to get by.

I discovered that a smart, funny, outgoing person I know has self doubts and regrets over his past that plague him daily. Another acquaintance, who has apparent confidence, dozens of friends, and reliable financial resources takes medication to relieve deep insecurities and anxieties.

So try believing that no one belongs on a pillar. No one is better than you. Whatever negativity you hold about yourself, take a chance, make a human connection. You might find a kindred spirit where you least expect it.

2. Cherish Unconditional Love

It hasn’t been long since I’ve begun to appreciate the importance of unconditional love in my life. I am fortunate to know some people who have seen and heard about all about my faults and love me anyway. Imagine that.

Imagine learning this at my age! Growing up inhibited I always tried to hide my weaknesses from everyone. I thought, “If anyone finds out that I’m [fill in the blank with a choice of disgraceful characteristic, such as ‘unsure of myself’], they’ll think less of me. It’s comical and pitiful to look back at how often I thought I was covering something up, knowing now that my actions revealed the very traits I was trying to conceal.

Anyway – my redeeming qualities are apparently sufficient in number that it makes my weaknesses acceptable to a few folks. I’ll bet that’s true for everyone. It should make us feel good about ourselves to realize that people can love us just the way we are. We should seek out those individuals we can be honest and open with. I found out that merely talking about all the horrible things I perceived about myself somehow gave them less control over me. It was liberating to finally be accepted for myself, my whole self.

An important revelation for me in this area was when I reconciled with God after many years. This is not something I ever expected to experience and certainly not write about, but it was life-changing, and maybe it can be for someone else. Sensing the need for spirituality in my life, I recently found the perfect church community and spoke with a priest to reconcile with and get closer to God. The compassion and love that entered my heart were astounding. Then I realized that God had always loved me - unconditionally. He was always there waiting for me to come back. If you want a real boost in self esteem, you can do what I did. All you have to do to feel God’s love is to ask.

3. Accept Compliments

If people know you and like you and they compliment you on some trait or skill, don’t ignore it, believe them. Why shouldn’t you? When we have self unsteem, we protest, “But you don’t know the real me.” We never accept compliments but focus on our less-than-perfect qualities instead.

Well, the next time you get a compliment, stop for a moment before dismissing it and try to take it on faith that others can see something of value in you. This seemingly small step takes a monumental shift in thinking. But I think you can do it if you dare yourself to consider that you might not have the whole picture on what you can and cannot do well.

I always failed to acknowledge positive things people said about me. Yes, I heard them and they made me happy, but I didn’t internalize them the way I did anything negative I might hear. Negative comments go right to the heart, don’t they? We should treat compliments the same way. Once I realized this, I slowly began to feel a boost in self esteem, and it seems to be staying with me.

Recently, in true ADD fashion, I connected this idea with spirituality. I decided that, if our friends are God’s presence in our lives, then we should have no hesitation about accepting compliments from them. Seen this way, compliments are a direct pat on the back from God. How can we fail to acknowledge they are true?

4. Don’t Take My Advice

Do I have your attention? I only want to make the point that most of us with self unsteem have heard it all before, and I do not have many new ideas to offer you. We’ve all read the self help books, and we all know what we should be feeling about ourselves. The problem is, we don’t. We continue to dwell on the negative because we don’t love ourselves all the way through.

I only reached my new-found confidence and self esteem after working with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. This technique teaches you to recognize and replace automatic negative thoughts (ants) with positive thoughts. It’s proven by research to work, and it did for me.

So my final suggestion to those who seek to overcome self unsteem is to find a CBT therapist you like who listens to you. You will have to do some serious soul searching, which can be difficult. You must be completely honest with yourself: no faking, no blaming other people, no hiding behind circumstances. Facing your weaknesses is worthwhile, though, because it allows you to identify specific goals. Sign on with your therapist for a few sessions and see what happens. The right person will guide you through the process, and it shouldn’t be long before you begin to see changes in your comfort level with activities that have always been a challenge.

My own journey has surprised everyone who knew me three years ago before I retired. Within two months of starting with my therapist, I performed in a group on a stage at the elementary school where I work. A few months later I introduced the program of the school chorus to an audience, via microphone. I wanted to do these things and I was surprisingly comfortable doing them. The magnitude of the change in my confidence can only be understood when you consider the overwhelming self consciousness I have always had, even after it began to go away when I discovered my learning and attention disorders.

The lesson is: If I can overcome my self unsteem, so can you. Give it a try.

Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

 “The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.” –Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“He who knows others is wise, he who knows himself is enlightened.” –Tao Te Ching