Overwhelmed! ADD Adults are Susceptible

We expect tantrums from children. After all, it’s easy for little ones to get overwhelmed. Yet we do try to instill in them some emotional reserve and teach them how to access it when they need it. Why? For the simple reason that mature adults are not supposed to get overwhelmed. Isn’t that the definition of maturity for most of us? I was taught that adults should be able to handle whatever life throws at them with poise and grace. This was the standard by which I judged myself.

There is just one little hitch in holding myself to such a standard. I have ADD and that makes it easy for me to get overwhelmed, even as an adult. This tendency towards overwhelminity (thank you, Will) plays out in every single area of my life: relationships, work, hobbies, self esteem, etc.

I am not alone here. Overwhelminity is the curse of every ADDer, whether or not we’ve been able to identify it as the overriding cause of our various challenges. Can’t get places on time? Overwhelminity. Can’t get started on a project you want to do? Overwhelminity. Can’t finish anything? Overwhelminity. Can’t focus on a conversation, a task, a feeling, an idea, a plan? Yes, you know the reason. When any of these things happens, we lose control. We shut down, or retreat, or get angry. We don’t always act like adults.

It’s debilitating when you don’t live up to your own standards and you don’t accomplish what you know you’re capable of. Falling short in our own minds leads to all kinds of further complications, too. This makes dealing with overwhelminity a key to the happiness and peace of mind of all people with ADD. But that isn’t easy because it’s our neurology that underlies all the problems. Even with the use of certain medications, we can’t change that. If we are to have any hope of handling overwhelminity, then, we have to begin to see the big picture and be aware of why and when we get overwhelmed.

The first step in understanding overwhelminity is to know that it comes from the neurological settings we are born with. People with ADD do not have the natural ability to filter out background information from what is relevant. Everything hits us at once and we become stunned and paralyzed. Our minds shut down: we tune out, we can’t make a decision, we withdraw, we get “stuck” on a routine or preferred approach to a problem. None of these behaviors is adaptive.

The pervasiveness of the effect in and on our lives is the second thing to be aware of. We must come to realize that our brains are weak at filtering virtually all information that enters them. That includes all our sensory input, our emotions, our belongings, time, ideas, and people. We have no modulation skills. Everything that enters our brain is either the same as everything else, too much to handle, or too little to notice. No wonder we’re overwhelmed.

Let’s look at what happens when people possess no “relevance” filter and lack the ability to modulate. I use myself as an example, but millions of people deal with these kinds of situations—and more—every day.

Sensory Information

When I look at books and newspapers, I never see titles and subtitles, but when I walk into a room, my eyes are drawn to the tiny speck of lint on the rug. Rooms full of people are nothing but a large maze. Taking notes at a lecture means writing down everything the speaker says - verbatim. I get flustered easily: I flit, I drop things, I walk into door jams. Even when I’m not flustered, I don’t know where my body is in space, so moving in certain spaces isn’t easy. But I must move anyway: I pace when I talk on the phone, I twirl my hair, I fidget.

Emotions

Sorting out feelings is one of the biggest challenges I have. Whatever the emotion is—whether it’s frustration, disappointment, interest—it expands without warning to fill my mind and makes me incapable of the next move. I LOVE this, I HATE that. So I either jump into things without thought or I overanalyze them. None of it is pretty.

Belongings

It took me years to understand that the reason I work so hard at keeping organized is because I have no natural ability to do so. I don’t automatically create groups or categories in my mind. I often fail to notice meaningful details of any kind. All I see are individual objects and all their characteristics, all at the same time, which all have the same level of significance. The outcome is clutter.

Time

I cannot remember how long it takes to get places I go regularly or complete tasks I perform over and over. Time is amorphous to me and the passage of time abstract. I can’t function in the moment and simultaneously keep track of time. Consequently, I stress over never having time to fulfill the commitments I make to myself and others. I rush and flit and fail to make meaningful connections with other people in my life. Patience takes supreme effort.

Ideas

Knowing how to sort through and think about the world is a challenge. Even though I may fully understand new information, I can easily get confused when I try to put the ideas together or integrate them with what I already know. The result is ambiguity and hesitation. Problem solving is a trial and error process, with the emphasis on error.

People

Relationships are the ultimate challenge to all the neurological filtering and modulation deficits in ADD. People are hard to understand because they are complex and unpredictable. I take things literally, I concentrate on one thing at a time, I’m not adaptable or flexible but depend on solutions that have worked in the past. None of these traits facilitates moment-to-moment interpersonal interactions. Talking with people often leaves me in the dust, wondering what went wrong. It’s reasonable to question how ADDers have any success in relationships at all.

Finding Help

The mental energy required to juggle all this overwhelminity and resulting confusion is enormous. Exhaustion and burnout are common in people with ADD. So, once we understand what’s going on, what can we realistically expect to be able to manage? It turns out, quite a bit if we’re willing to put in some effort.

One source of my inspiration for moving beyond overwhelminity is a book on Abraham Maslow’s ideas on self actualization, written by my friend Larry Mullins and edited by his wife Joan. I am moved by Larry’s reminder that people are capable of choosing their attitude toward any situation. He believes that serving others is the path to follow, that we are all capable of becoming a “benevolent creative force in the universe.”

This idea fits me well because ADDers are compassionate by nature. Sometimes our feelings about the needs of others can overwhelm us. We can get overly involved, or we can make commitments that are unrealistic. But if we are mindful of the big picture, we can use our natural tendencies for caring and helping in meaningful ways. We just have to learn to keep our attitudes about ourselves and others in balance.

On a practical level, a book by ADD coach Jennifer Koretsky has helped me to deal with overwhelminity. Jennifer writes that ADDers must learn to take breaks from our crazed and hurried lives to think and “recharge” our energy. She suggests scheduling “meetings with ourselves” so we can plan on down-time for processing and organizing the ideas and events that tend to fly by us. Jennifer admonishes that taking such breaks is not a luxury, but a necessity, for those with ADD.

For me, combining Larry’s philosophy and Jennifer’s strategies has been a powerful force in handling overwhelminity, and there is much more to be learned in their books. I hope my experience and reflections can help other ADDers begin to understand their natural tendencies towards overwhelminity. Once you know about them, you can learn how to make them work for you rather than against you.

I do not want to suggest that this is an easy path to follow. But I know that letting our challenges go unaddressed is far more difficult in the long run than facing them head-on. To those with ADD, don’t let overwhelminity rule your lives. Fight back.

“Some folks succeed because they’re destined to, but most succeed because they’re determined to.” –Roy Reiman