Late Bloomer --- Overcoming Inhibition: Part 2

You know all those people you meet who look you right in the eye? They smile easily? They stroll comfortably into rooms and new situations? They express their opinions and offer ideas without hesitation or apology? They radiate an “I’m OK, you’re OK” attitude? You see them everywhere, these folks who engage confidently with the world.

Well, some of us have had to work long and hard to get comfortable in our life circumstances. Our scale of successful versus botched experiences is out of balance. Our social gaffes are too many and too painful to recall. Our jobs overwhelm us even if we like them. Our homes may be disorganized, and our meaningful relationships few. Each failed attempt at human interaction adds to our basket of negativity about ourselves. We end up going through life with what I call self unsteem .

Are you skeptical? “I’m insecure sometimes, too,” you say. After much reading, observation, and reflection, this is what I’ve come to believe: Everyone carries around some negative beliefs about themselves. And this we all have in common! But a difference for some of us becomes clear when you consider: 1) the extent to which our social and employment failures were real, that is, perceived as failures by others too, and 2) the degree to which our resulting self unsteem limited the choices we believed we had.

Whether we knew it or not, many of us born in the 50s and 60s grew up with unidentified attention or learning differences. People like us are everywhere. What we think and do are shaped by our neurology. It often happens that we don’t care for the way things turn out, we know we’re more capable than we appear, and we let ourselves down. All of this overflows our basket of negativity, and before you know it we have a full-blown case of self unsteem. Our attention and learning styles have molded and defined us.

Depending on chance and the opportunities we are given, we may end up with larger or smaller problems. A disproportionate number of incarcerated adults have reading or attention disorders, or both. Substance abuse is widespread among people with attention disorders; our brains crave the chemical stimulation. We tend to be underemployed and change jobs a lot. We may marry later than our classmates and often go through life paying for impetuous decisions we made when were younger.

Another factor in the way we turn out is whether we are born with an inward or outward focus. This affects the way we engage with the world: We have to live our lives. Do we attack life? Do we withdraw? Do we deny behavior patterns we don’t want to see?

There are many who simply jump in, make mistakes, get into trouble, feel bad about themselves, and blame everyone else for their problems. Then there are those who cannot forgive themselves for their difficulties. I have the type of attention disorder and learning disability that creates a barrier around me. It’s a barrier I’m still breaking down, but I’ve come a long way.

Engaging with others has always been a struggle; I have always preferred observing and analyzing. Talking? Joining a group? Oh no. I’m slower than most to understand what I hear, make a relevant connection, and respond. So I’m tend to be out of sync, a step behind. Or ahead. That happens when I interrupt, which is often. My thoughts are random, uncontrollable, and never, ever stop. I daydream, sometimes fantasize, tuning out the world and getting lost in thought. My mind wanders off without notice.

I’m uncomfortable in crowds and unfamiliar or large spaces, so I tend to keep a distance from others. Remembering specific ideas and turning them into coherent spoken statements is a slow and iterative process for me, so I was what they called quiet. In fact, I was nearly mute in every classroom I occupied before learning of my ADD as a 40-year old graduate student.

When I was required to be part of groups, such as in non-classroom activities in high school and college, and non-work related interactions with coworkers at different jobs, I was consistently a fringe member. In ninth and tenth grades, riding the school bus with six other girls for over two hours every day, I barely spoke and always felt self-conscious about it. It is a tribute to their Catholic upbringing that the girls didn’t mock me to my face. Well, it was rare.

The whole situation could be a scene from a sappy movie. Picture a young teenager sitting on the school bus, reading or staring out the window. She’s alone but near a group of girls who are all having a good time. She is longing to be part of the group, having no idea what she’s doing wrong, feeling awkward, and wishing she could just disappear. Meanwhile, the others are thinking, “Why doesn’t she like us?” College was very much the same: Others can’t get to know me because I’m so withdrawn, and I don’t know why I’m usually an outsider.

Inaccurate self-perception is common in people with learning and attention disorders. It plays out in everything we say and do. I’ve been fortunate to have made strides over the years, in my various careers and personal life. I’ve become a leader of sorts in my new neighborhood of two years. However, just eight months ago I found myself tongue-tied with my supervisor in a new part-time job because I felt inadequate. I wasn’t, but I thought I was, so I couldn’t do my work. Despite the accomplishments I’ve made, that core of self-doubt remained. I nearly quit a job I’ve come to love, and it was all in my head.

Do not think this is a sorry story. In fact, it’s a celebration of success. Because of that recent incident, I decided to explore the causes of my insecurities and have discovered that they don’t need to control me anymore. I had to dig through layers of negativity, and I needed help to do it. But now I am delighted to be feeling confident in front of, and as part of, groups. It is an outcome no one who knew me before could have predicted.

So when you see a quiet person, please know there is probably a part of them that wants to connect with you. Maybe she doesn’t know how. Maybe he’s just exhausted from his many failed attempts. Try not to judge harshly. With a little kindness, understanding, and coaxing, you might be the one to help a quiet person bloom. Or maybe you'll just supply a "human moment" to someone who needs it.

“Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.” –Plato

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." --e. e. cummings